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megane_sama

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12:05 am: ursula.
[ok this didn't come out as i planned. at all. oh well. i gotta try some other time. i'm sleepy, burdened by some things and well i guess yesterday i would have written more. or better. i wonder what i should do with my life...not really, i know what i should do, i just need to come up with a better plan on achieving it. anyway tell me what you think, does it bore you right from the start?  too clichéd? too many periods? bad punctuation? spelling? well spelling can only be typos because i'm a great speller but not so great typing. anyway, gimme feedback people]

after reading the final chapter of "the left hand of darkness" ursula turned off her ebook and threw it in the recyclables bin hoping that maybe the book would be sent to students in the colonies and thus travel with her on such a long voyage. it was her first time flying and being in such an open airfield had made her nervous, too nervous. she briskly walked over to the bar where an artificially smiling humanoid (besides, who could tell these days?) asked her if she wanted the 16 or 20 ounce glass.
-pardon me? i haven't ordered anything yet"
-ma'am, i am fitted with a i011 device, i can distinguish brain waves for most drinks, and yours is an iced tea, with a shot of vermouth"
-well no it's not. i want a....a...lemonade. and a beer. the beer in a can!
-as you wish
the robot (?) swiftly turned around and served drinks for other travelers, no one said a word, and 5 minutes later returned with a small glass filled with a green substance, a can of beer, and another glass of brownish liquid.
-the lemonade and beer. i have also brought the iced tead in case you change your mind.
ursula muttered a minute thanks and grabbed forcefully the iced tea.
the airfield was a small in comparison to the big ones in new york and paris but to ursula it seemed like it extended beyond anything she could see. there was small grass running all along the field except around the ship. sudden winds made it hard for extravagant ladies to keep their hats on and the heat from the sun bothered most men in suits. ursula felt wonderful after drinking 5 iced teas. the wind tickled her underarms, exposed from wearing a tank top, and the sun gently colored her skin. she had two hours until boarding time but felt like she could stay in the airfield forever. she moved away from the bar and looked up at the sky. not a cloud in sight. she lied down, like most of the other travelers, and simply tried to look up and dream about her new life. it was hard at first, she could not concentrate on anything in such a clean sky. her eyes wondered from the sun, to her hands, to the turbines floating like kites all along the perimeter of the airfield keeping clouds away. she looked until she finally caught a glimpse of the ship. it was just the tip. the round red tip. she laughed, thought of daniel and started to imagine her new life.

Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: wooden smoke-mike keneally
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[User Picture]
From:megane_sama
Date:January 6th, 2008 05:42 pm (UTC)
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yea..that's a toughie in sf. it's hard to show and explain function as if i'm telling someone who knows but in reality you don't. do you understand? since the narrator's audience is set in the same world as the story, it's hard to explain things to the REAL audience and not sound like i'm just a documentary on made up technology. you know? maybe if i write more the world would move on a bit more...
From:ragamuffinman
Date:January 7th, 2008 07:44 pm (UTC)
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It's definitely not boring, and just like Romy i wouldn't know much about clichés in sci-fi, but it doesn't feel trite either. Very intriguing story so far. Makes me want to know more about this lady in a tank-top and the world she lives in. Nice pace too, the words flow naturally and comfortably.

Hehe, "left hand of darkness"? I wonder if the book will come back later.

The last portion of the first sentence is a bit confusing in the first read-through. I think that if you cut it off at "in the recycles bin" it makes perfect sense. After a couple of readings it seems that you added that part to show her emotions of loneliness and insecurity: she tosses the book out but wishes it would somehow accompany her in the long lone voyage ahead (possible foreshadowing of her feelings towards Daniel?) -- anything familiar would be comforting and the book is the closest thing she has at this point. But there are too many unknown facts facing the first-time reader in the first sentence, which is what makes it a bit confusing. Things tossed in the recycle bin get sent to the colonies? The technology is such that if she tosses something now it would still make it to the same ship she's taking? Armed with this background info (assuming it's correct) now the first sentence makes more sense, but it took too much thought and too many readings for a first sentence. And if she really wanted the book with her, couldn't she just take it with her? It was extra confusing for me because at first i thought she just closed the window on her laptop and dragged the eBook file to the recycle bin -_-; Maybe those two words are too easily associated with the technology we have in our world.

Onto the "artificially smiling humanoid" sentence. I'd take out "besides" from the fragment inside the parenthesis. Anything inside a parenthesis is already a "besides" of sorts and i think it would help the flow of the sentence. Also, with the way things are written, the parenthetical question becomes "who can tell these days between a natural and an artificial smile?" In a sci-fi setting i imagine that "humanoid" wouldn't automatically mean cyborg or robot but could also include any alien life form. Maybe a better place for "who could tell these days?" is a couple of sentences down, inside the parenthesis in "robot (?)".

I'd add a couple of "the"s in the "sudden winds" sentence to make it clear that there are some extravagant ladies and men in suits about. The first time around, knowing you well, it seemed more like a cheap shot at fancy people not being able to handle the outdoors than a description. Maybe a generic reader won't have that problem :)

Two small things: extra "d" in "i have also brought the iced tead". And extra "a" in "the airfield was a small in comparison".

Nit-picking aside, good job man! Write more. We'll be waiting.
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